Let’s play a game called, “What would you do?” I’ll be the host and you give the answers but allow me to divulge that by the time you give the answers it will already be too late. Ready? Let’s play!
I’m the kind of gal who lives a life of guilt. I’m always thinking what you might be thinking even though you probably haven’t even had a thought. I live a constant existence of second-guessing which is a very common personality trait of children of alcoholic parents. Growing up in a double-alcoholic home makes some of us mighty keen on predicting what will happen next so we can counter it should we have to. For instance, if your mom is drunk in public and is planning on walking and talking it is our instinct to talk over them and grab their arm lovingly to walk her out expediently and get her home to bed before anyone notices. That and a gazillion other things we must predict. Is she just a little drunk or a whole bunch drunk? Is she good-mood drunk or bad-mood drunk? Has she eaten, offended anyone, remembered to put on deodorant before going out in public or attempted to drive? I’ve lived a lifetime of two parent predicting and I’d do it all over again though I pray you don’t have to.
Those days are sadly over because they had to escape this earth, too young if you ask me. Their departure left room for love. Enter: That husband of mine. This June we will have been married a solid ten years and they said we’d never last. We fooled them! For ten years my groom has been surprising me. I’m not a girl who delights in surprises because it doesn’t give me the control of predicting how I will react, accept or counter. He does it anyway. He really did it this time and now I find myself running to the Bible for a soothing Band-aid when really all it is giving me is guilt.
I used to hide my parents’ alcoholism. That’s common too. We get really good at acting in order not to be thought of or judged in the same light. It’s human nature to judge. All those years of acting has built me in to the polar opposite. Now I just regurgitate my truth all over the place for I am living a life of freedom. Then today happened. I opened my Bible searching for something to take my guilt away but Jesus wasn’t having it! Proverbs 28:13 says, (in case you’re wondering,) “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy!”
I need to tell you that I need to prosper right now in a bad way and obtaining mercy is my number one priority besides figuring out how to handle this situation my husband has caused.
As I type this it is the night before the day of love. I will wake up to it being Valentine’s Day 2013. I promised myself I would never have to “act” another emotion in my life. Either I’m going to be happy, sad, mad, snarky, owly, or enthusiastic but before I’m any of those things I’m going to be them mightily and more important, truthfully! All I did was go to work like a responsible person and somewhere around mid-morning my email beeped. I opened the email to find it was from our debit card company. It read, “Your online receipt is ready to be viewed.” What’s a girl to do when she gets an email like that? I’ll tell ya! She views it.
I opened it up and it was a receipt from Dakota Rose Floral right here in Valley City. He’s sending me quite a flower arrangement to my office for Valentine’s Day and I’m not supposed to know about it. The new debit card was attached to my email address so throughout the morning I was privy to the fact he went to buy groceries, get gas and mail some packages. I know where he shopped and I know how much he spent on each transaction. The thing is he doesn’t know I know and he can’t know or the surprise will fail. The stress is too much. I don’t know what to do. So I just went searching in the Bible again. This time the scripture that I found didn’t make me peaceful either. The scripture is James 4:17. It says, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is a sin. “
I’m a her, not a him so can I get a pass?
I promised myself I would never act an emotion again but one little time won’t hurt will it? Can’t the flowers just be delivered to my office and I’ll jump up and down in front of my co-workers, smell them like I’ve never smelled a flower before in my life and then call that husband of mine with the voice of a love-struck angel thanking him to pieces? Is there sin in sparing a man from a bruised ego?
After all, I’d be sparing him because I love him, not hate him and Valentine’s Day is all about love they told me!
What would you do?
I’ll fill you in on if I sinned or did the right thing next week because right now I’m not sure what to do. I’m just glad I don’t drink.
This has been the Blonde on the Prairie from the prairie reminding all of you to make love an action and just BE love.
Ingstad lives on the prairie near Valley City and writes this column for the Times-Record.