Blonde on the Prairie…

By Jodi Rae Ingstad

One of my husbands suggested I write about all of them this week.   The one who suggested it, just like all the others, is already married.  Most of them already have their own kids, none of which are mine. 
Did I mention they all have another wife?
Thank goodness I didn’t have to plan any of the ceremonies. I wasn’t even present at any of them. Forget about the honeymoons. I was absent. No wonder I’m not pregnant yet.
There weren’t any conversations about pre-nuptial agreements. In all cases we didn’t even discuss the differences in our religion.
I don’t know what color my husbands’ eye colors are nor do I know what their favorite food is. In fact I don’t even know how old most of them really are. 
Lucky for me they are all employed and are of good standing within the community. Most of them are high achievers and I appreciate that.
I’m not friendly with any of my plethora of mothers-in-law because I don’t know them yet. I’m sure if they met me they would adore me. Not having all those mothers-in-law surely makes life more comfortable. 
Everyone knows “Mama boys” are difficult to tame.
Holidays are cheap too. I don’t have to buy gifts for any of my husbands, any of their children or any of their other wives and extended family. And I’m not a prude. I love to give to the people I truly love.
I don’t belong to a polygamist cult and this is not a riddle. It’s the truth behind a few of human nature’s greatest sins. Gossip and assumption.
Lots of people have stopped to tell me what a beautiful home I have.  
My face grimaces when they tell me that because though our cottage is cute to us it is not worthy of such high praise from the people who make this claim. 
They go on to inform me that I’m lucky to have so-and-so as my husband because of the new house he had built. 
The problem being so-and-so is not my husband and more notably he’s not that husband of mine.
The husband who suggested I write about all of them this week just became my husband last week. I ran into him uptown yesterday to share with him the news of our alleged union.
One person assumes things then goes on to  gossip. That assumption gets into the hands of some other gossiper who declares I am who I really am not nor I’ll ever be.
I’m just Jodi Rae and I’m happily married to just one man. He’s the only man I remember every single detail of our wedding ceremony with. 
His deep, hypnotic green eyes are a set I’ll never forget. He’s Presbyterian and his favorite food is pizza. 
I can recite his exact date of birth and share with you our belly buttons are the same because we were delivered by the same doctor. My mother-in-law is simply one of my very best friends. 
Gossip and assumption.  Almost everyone does it.  I’ve been pulled into it myself just like you.
A few years back I bought a newly remodeled home in Oriska. I volunteered to teach Sunday school. In no time I was shooting heroin and stripping at a club, too.
The reality was that I the only thing I was shooting was the insulin I needed to stay alive. The strip club wasn’t even open anymore and I’m a horrid dancer anyway. 
I was the only Sunday school teaching, heroin- shooting stripper I’d ever met.
It honors me that people think of me enough to talk about me or even bring me up in conversation.  It means someone cares enough to conjure up my name. The truth always works the other stuff out.
I’ve got to go now. I have a lot of husbands to divorce so I can keep the best one.
"I'm assuming this is an alimony state?"