By Jodi Rae Ingstad 

Black cats, scary spooks and black bats, pumpkin heads and jack-o-lanterns. Boo! It’s Halloween. So how come all I can think about is Christmas?
Most women begin leaving their marital mate or significant other subtle, yet chronic hints. The hints begin filtering in sometime near Halloween. I think that’s because women expect something a little extra special at Christmas unlike the frying pans and can openers we, or at least I, get for our birthdays.  
By my estimation the average household receives compensation for 4 pay periods after Halloween. This gives the mate ample time to be able to afford the lavish gift the woman constantly insinuates.  
For instance, Jane may hint that her mate buy her the 1.5 carat diamond ring of perfection she craves. She lassos him into the jewelry store in the mall. With the rope cinched tight around his body she tries the ring on in front of him. With it secured on her finger she puckers her lips and bats her eyelashes seducing him into frenzy.   She’ll more than likely find the ring under the tree Christmas morning.
And then there is Suzie.  Everyone knows a Suzie. Suzie was born to a good Norwegian farm family and raised on cow, corn and lefse in North Dakota. She married the only man she had ever kissed and together they nurtured 2.5 children to college age without any major dilemmas.
She’s never really left the state though she has traveled some. She and her Mr. strolled over to Kenmare for the annual Goosefest but that was only because her mother-in-law insisted she cook the holiday goose at Christmas that year.  Oh sure she’s gone to Fargo quite a few times but Suzie yearns for more.
With every fiber of her existence she wishes to visit someplace exotic; like the different travel channels on her television tempt her with.  She imagines herself in a bikini lying on the white, sandy beaches of Croatia sun tanning like all the other Europeans she sees. Her want turns into seductive desire.
Somewhere near Halloween she visits the local travel agent and shyly asks for travel brochures to Croatia. Suzie’s Mr. comes home and finds the brochures placed right next to his plate of corn fritters she’s prepared for supper.    Her Mr. grins as he looks up to see her apron covered in flour from the batter. He looks back down and studies the brochures while realizing his bride makes the best darn corn fritters in all the settlement. At Christmas, Suzie will more than likely get that trip to Croatia she’s forever dreamt about.
And then there is me. Just Jodi. When I was 5-years-old, it was if the song was written just for me. “Allth I want fo Cwissmas is my two fwont teeff, my two fwont teeff, see my two fwont teeff.” The song may have fit my particular situation that year but I’m here to tell ya I’d rather of wished for a new “Easy Bake Oven” like all the other girls were likely going to get.
My front teeth grew back in. It’s already Halloween and I’m saying “boo” alright. “Boo-hoo,” is more like it. I should be throwing hints to that husband of mine but I find myself in a quandary!  I went to a dentist recently. Diagnosis: root canals-two of them to be precise: $2,895.00.
In a monetary panic I took off the napkin they clamped on to me, pursed my lips, bit the inside of my cheek and said, “No thank you. I’d rather have a new kitchen, a 1.5 carat diamond ring and a trip to Croatia.”
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a root canal or two and a dentist who does pro bono work. Love, Jodi Rae
PS.  I left a cookie for you.  But take my word for it Santa! Don’t forget to brush and floss afterwards.